Imagine all the seconds

They say that the mind is a powerful thing, and I suppose it must be.

We have countless thoughts between the tick and tock, or is it just me?

 

Imagine all the seconds we just throw away, what if we had to account?

Would the answers that we often times seek, somehow be found?

 

Did you ever read a book on the life of him or of her, and wonder?

How many thoughts were missed and pressures were they under?

 

Is the measure of a man taken based on actions that others saw?

Or is there any credit for thoughts quelled by a man covering flaws?

 

Aren’t we all taken by the things that we can see? But deeper still,

The surface hides the true make up, our eyes, the blanks they fill.

 

It isn’t always as it seems and shouldn’t we all know that too?

This must be normal, or am I the odd one thinking things through?

 

Some day my Lord will ask to account for these decisions I’ve made.

And even with all this practice, it’s my answers of which I am afraid.

 

Seconds tick by between each of these lines, predict them I cannot.

Near frozen I sit, thoughts pounding to get out, in silence fraught.

 

This canvas I use to let thought flow and I hide in plain sight, in truth.

Challenge ourselves to feel the pain, it’s our word we must not lose.

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Lesser Pain

Sometimes I wonder what it is you see

Because you’re not all that different from me

 

My eyes open too, I look upon this world

But I cannot say I know this direction hurled

 

A light I used to see, and could only share

Now only blinks from a place near despair

 

Love. There’s plenty here, even more

But your hands won’t rap on this door

 

Life’s too short, is what they all say

Too long, when you question each day

 

Looking inward I wonder yet again

If it’s yours or mine, the lesser pain

 

Sleep, or don’t, the answer’s not consumed

You know that, I need not presume

 

Maybe a day’s hard work would do

Look in the mirror, is it within you?

 

Care, I do, believe always and forever

Choices pull and push, there’s no never

 

I know enough to know that I’ve lost

The answers I mull carry such cost

 

It’s neither a game nor a contest

Yet time runs out, wish the best

 

Doors left open, yet left behind

Not yet closed they’re just hard to find

 

I don’t know what you desire

Do you know to what you aspire?

 

Not necessary now, progress at least

Push yourself from your will’s increase

 

We’re not all the same, that’s the thing

So many words carry a not needed sting

 

Focus, to your heart what does joy bring?

Helping another? The freedom to sing?

 

It’s not all bad, only the frame we spin

Break it down, and let yourself in

 

This hole in my heart, belongs to you

But I can’t make one do what they won’t do

 

The ball’s in a court that I cannot access

So, I ponder and pray, but will not regress

 

Run forward, and leave for always, this rut

You know the way better than you thought

 

I love you my dear, you’re with me still

You, and yourself, should address your will

 

Enough said, perhaps too many thoughts

There’s a place though, always, your spot

 

So, after sitting down and spilling these thoughts all over the pages on which I wrote, of course, I thought some more. I read this back to myself while I thought, and I decided that I am entirely unsure with the quality of this piece. On the other hand, I am certain that these thoughts rushed away like a torrent from the space closing between my heart and my brain. Then, for some reason, I thought of an old song that I probably shouldn’t even know. Somehow these words fit too; To me anyways.

I'm looking for a girl who has no face
She has no name, or number
And so I search within his lonely place
Knowing that I won't find her
Well, I can't stop this feeling deep in inside me
Ruling my mind

I feel no sound
Don't know where I'm bound 
The scenery is all the same to me
Nothing has changed or faded
I'm a part of it, some part of me
Painted cool green, and shaded
So, try to find myself must be the only way
To feel free

~ Steve Winwood, Jim Capaldi

 

 

Burdened Heart

I sit here with a burdened heart, a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes, unable to separate myself from my own thoughts. Dwelling not on the past, negative, or the dreary, I search for ways to share, to learn, to pray, and to heal. Maybe, just maybe, I’d be fortunate and blessed enough to help someone else along the way. Not that I need to, I am starting to lose track of the stories swirling around me that are heart-breaking, tear-jerking, and just plain sad to hear. My brother-in-law’s father, my aunt’s battle with stage-four cancer, Boston, Texas, and all the daily battles won and lost.

I read the articles today. I watched the video clips, headlines and updates today. There’s so much pain and hurting in the world. There are people far less fortunate than I. People who don’t know God the way I do. They don’t know the peace and comfort found in prayer and in the reading or sharing of the scriptures. They just hurt and they wander in wonderment of the mammoth-sized cloud of darkness and negativity that looms in the day’s headlines.

Then I started thinking about my last week or two. It’s hard to comprehend sometimes how much is happening in every second of every day. The gorgeous, perfect blue sky I looked at this morning brought a smile to my face and inspiring descriptions to my lips. At the same time, God, the Creator of the beautiful sky, has a plan for all of this. I have often thought about how God has a unique way of allowing certain things to happen, or at least to be noticeable to us, at different times so we can create our own way of coping with events bigger than us. For example, I remember when my grandfather died. He was a great man of God, a preacher, a teacher, one who would recite the scriptures; he had a Christian book store, he had preached on the radio, and lived his life for God. I remember the morning of his funeral service, the day he was to be buried, and a light, pure, white snow fell, just enough to cover everything in a beautiful untouched blanket of white. I remember saying to my parents that God had given the ground a purifying coat, a cleansing for my grandfather’s body to be put to rest one final time.

There’s a plan for all of these things. God has a plan, God’s plan. Two words that make many want to turn and run the other way, God’s plan, because it usually means something that we imperfect humans don’t understand, or don’t want to deal with. Whatever the reaction is, it doesn’t change the plan. When I was younger I fought the plan, I am sure I did. I also didn’t always understand how or why things so terrible could happen to people as part of God’s plan. I am certainly not going to pretend to know or understand all these things now either. I do know that almost always, we are a part of a plan that is much bigger than it appears on the surface.

All I have to do is look at recent events within my own family, and certainly the local and national events that everyone is aware of. With one bit of news, one event, somehow thousands, maybe millions of people are linked together by one story. The news that shatters tranquility here on earth for many is the same news that confirms a loved one’s arrival into eternal happiness. In these moments there is more good news than bad in most cases. The immediate outpouring of kindness, support, love, concern, and protection by banding together as one is heart-warming and sends chills up my spine. The images of those lost, those hurt, or the ones we know affected by the tragedies, or sickness, or disease, make us all wonder. These things make us cry, they make us mad, the make us think, and they make us feel. It’s all part of the plan; God’s plan.

Time will tell how the plan unfolds. Even though it’s God’s plan, we have a role in it. We are to be present and participating in His plan. I am in no way trying to down play any of this; this is a serious matter. There’s a message in most everything and I am willing to bet there’s even more of a wonderful message here as well. Think of the things you have heard, the things you have read, the things you have seen yourself, and the stories of the amazing coming from out of a story that is discouraging, evil, or unfortunate. Often times through the most unthinkable loss or sacrifice comes the greatest gift or the most amazing victory.

Please don’t think that this is over when the news stops running, the stories stop circulating, or the services are done. You and I may be a part of the plan. Anyone of us could be instrumental. Our words, our actions, just might be the right thing at the right time for the one who needs that spoken word or the example of God’s love they were looking for. Really it’s always supposed to be that way. We are human, and our best moments are not all of our moments. Yet the more we think our moments are our best, the more they will be. And the moment we decide that we need to be our best might just be the moment that God’s plan includes us to be the message for someone needing to see that deed, action, or thing that helps them cope and overcome.

My thoughts and prayers are with my sister, her husband Adam, their girls, and Adam’s entire family. It’s a tough time for them all. My thoughts and prayers are with my Aunt Janette and my Uncle Lloyd. I pray for a miracle in her life and God’s will in regard to her battle with cancer. I pray for, and hold in thought, their entire family. My thoughts and prayers are with those affected by the Boston Marathon Bombings. People died. People hurt. People saw things they need never see. People were stripped of the beautiful innocence that accompanies the harmonious gathering of strangers when they come together in support of fellow-man, simply because they can. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the people and families affected by the explosion in West, Texas. If we want to settle for the face value, there is pain, suffering, hurt, darkness, and despair all around us. If we look a little harder, there is hope, there is goodness, and there is solidarity in a world filled with more and more independent individuality.

I don’t know God’s plan anymore than you do, but I trust it because it is perfect. I take solace in God’s Word, and communication with Him through prayer. There is comfort in the gathering and sharing among family and friends. God is where I go to get help with my burdens. God is who I ask for peace when my mind gets the best of me. God’s plan; at least He has one, which is more than I can say most of the time. Thank God He has a plan. Amen.

Delight to show mercy

In recent weeks I have been thinking an awful lot about the end of days, whether they are mine, or anyone else’s. Not in a morbid sense, but in more of a reality sense. More of a thought process revolving around the thoughts, dreams, and wishes of someone, anyone, who might be living through the end of their days. Then, mentally I dig a little deeper, and expand the thought process to include people who might be close, or at least were once close, to the person now towards the end of their time here on earth. I think about life, and all it may have held for anyone, or maybe each of these individuals. I think about fun, laughter, and the best of times. The times that any of these people would escape to, right then and there, were they afforded that opportunity. Conversely, I think also about forgiveness. I think about those free passes (forgiveness) we possess and carry with us every day, and why sometimes we freely give of them, and other times why we hold to them on so tightly. As if, perhaps, we are above the act of forgiveness, or because who would be forgiven, or even due to the act that we deem unforgivable.

We may think that not everyone deserves a ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ card in life, but there are more that do deserve one (or more) than those who don’t. Primarily, you and I are the ones who decide who gets this free pass and then also, who doesn’t get one. Seriously though, who are we to forgive or not to forgive? Shouldn’t we also remember that we too, many times throughout life come, head-bowed, in the presence of someone we wish to be forgiven by?

Imagine this. There’s comes a time in your life when circumstances you cannot control consume your mind and your daily thought process more than they should. Maybe decisions are made that are not normally decisions you would make, but in doing so, you have further complicated things. Things that could, should, and otherwise would be simple, but not right then, because attention is paid elsewhere and the simple is forgotten, temporarily foreign. Then news of matters you knew were on the horizon are now staring you in the face, and decisions are necessary, furthermore, action is overdue. You long to escape all of it or at least the unpleasant, so as to concentrate on the things you’d rather focus on. Life doesn’t work that way, and mounting pressure pushes you further from the normalcy you may have known through times in your life. Suddenly devastating news, or something near and dear to you, presents itself in the form of a problem or a situation you wouldn’t wish on anyone. All of this is added to the 24-hour schedule you already were struggling to keep up with. Ugh!!!!!! Then there’s more heaped on because it can be heaped on. And so on. Any balance seems lost and, at best, you keep your head above water.

Next, interactions with people take on a different tone. Words are said, maybe not meant, but certainly slip through the filter, and are out there to be discussed, felt, and otherwise held against you. Priorities shift, and the left is separated from the right. Not much seems to fit together anymore. Continuity is slowly replaced with uneasiness. Calm found in a moment, held so sacred now, is replaced with despair. Darkness is welcomed as the sense of who can see, and how you’re seen, dissipates with the fall of night. A temporary respite from the day-to-day life that you’ll get through, but that outcome seems more like a guess than a certainty on any given night. Time seems to disappear at least in the sense of measurement of it, as reactionary mode will often do. Deadlines are chosen, meaning some are met and others are treated as if they were gentle reminders or suggestions. These come around again and usually get more serious in nature with each passing round. Indifference sets its hold now, and that changes everything. Relationships suffer all around you, because there are too many layers between caring and just making it through the next few hours without disrupting the regiment of simply breathing.

The end of the day is welcomed whether it is mid-afternoon or the middle of the night. Quiet is sought after but soon turns its back on you as your mind retrieves the images of what you think, assume, or maybe even know is happening around you. This too, becomes just a mere suggestion, from you to yourself, and you carry on in spite of the warnings from the inner you. Days, have since run right through weeks, and now mount as months turning into years. The cocoon from which you operate your daily life feels like its closer to the big picture, any normal life you used to know, but it’s really just a fraction of the space that once felt so open, free, and uninhibited to function in. For now, you don’t notice the difference, or maybe you sense it, but deny it like the suggestions you’ve given yourself up to now. At some point you ask yourself:

What was I thinking, when this bed I did make?

Missing now, how many years did this take?

Time passes, life marches on. Maybe differences have been reconciled, maybe they have not. Relationships strained, perhaps mended again, but maybe left unattended still. Each of us on our own path and your paths don’t cross with the same groups anymore, as a result of the route you chose to take. But, also there’s the path(s) that those around you chose to take as a result of your impact on them. So the circles that once gathered together as one, maybe now gather in spite of you, the one.

All the while, over this time elapsed, so long, others all carried those free passes, the get-out-of-jail-free card known as forgiveness, recognized as mercy. Passes saved for you were held, other passes were given freely in areas that didn’t sting the affected so much. Like a sliver of water that finds its way into the crevices of solid rock, it gets cold and freezes, splitting this formidable bond wide open, your allegiances are diminished.

Finally, or at least close to it, the end of days for you has come. Whether it’s the number of years you’ve been here on earth and the time is short, or if it’s sickness, suffering, illness, disease, or self-inflicted health restrictions, either way, it’s almost your time. There you sit, lay, wait, otherwise pass time until time is no more. In those moments when the mind is clear, your brain is free of clutter, and measurement of time once again seems not to matter, you wish to cling to the memories worth pulling from the past. You long for a circle in your place of rest, a circle of those you love, those who have loved you, and for those who are now estranged. You wish, to each you could extend a hand, asking for them to give freely of the passes they hold, one by one. Maybe they come, maybe they don’t. And like the inevitable dawn of the next morning, it hits you like a wave of first morning light, and doesn’t stop, that the people and situations you callously disregarded in the spin that was your time of despair are the ones you want near you before you leave this world. And you wait, you wish, and you wonder how it is that this you, the same you all the years through, could have been that person who pushed people away, or even ran from the direction they gathered in. You beg for forgiveness and wonder if you ever asked for it while life’s time was elapsing.

So, I ask the question: Why didn’t we do anything about this before there was a time limit applied to the action?

For all of you, all of us, you and me, we hold the keys. While forgiveness does not excuse the transgressor, nor does it validate the erroneous action taken, it is the right thing to do. In essence, the lack of forgiveness, the lack of showing mercy, is wrong in its own right. Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

That person, the person counting down the days and waiting, is thinking about you, and yes, you from time to time, maybe more often, allow your mind and your thoughts to wander in that person’s way. Maybe it’s Mom, maybe it’s Dad, an uncle or aunt, long time friend, brother, sister, or whatever, it’s someone that at one time held your interest above most others. Until now, you’ve not forgiven them for whatever that wedge which came between you is. Or if you have, you haven’t let them in on your secret as of yet. Then you must realize that you are no more perfect than the one reeling from not being forgiven. You must be aware that in your own moments, long or short, that you have struggled with many of the things listed above. And yes, maybe you handled them better than the one you won’t forgive, but you are no more human, no better created, or in any other way a superior being. You are you. He or is she is who they are; period. And within each of us, we maintain the capacity to forgive, to accept another, or to be supportive, loving, and caring. So, why hold on? Is that something you want to take inventory of at the end of your days? I love how this passage talks of this idea of forgiveness:  Micah 7:18-19

Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.  You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

“Delight to show mercy.” If only we were all that good.

I started this piece in my mind months ago. I started applying words to a document a week ago. Now, I close this piece after writing, re-writing, adding, subtracting, and changing the order of these paragraphs, only to put them back in the order that I originally conceived them, in order to deliver a message. The message is more or less this, none of us are perfect, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves and think we have this figured out better than another. Tomorrow is not promised, and neither are the things we may have to encounter. Therefore we are all, at some level, susceptible to the chaos, lack of balance, and poor decision-making described earlier. We do control more than we know sometimes, and being the voice that sets another free, or the listening observer, the calm at the side of the bed, the partner in prayer, or the touch that calms an otherwise restless soul, may be in among the passes we hold. So, pray, understand, change your perspective, and “delight to show mercy.” Something tells me you will be glad you did.

This piece is very much inspired by events in my own life from long ago and right through until now. Learning is ongoing. Sharing is my treat, as well as my refuge. I hope you made it through this with me. Thank you for stopping by and sharing a few minutes with me.

 

Freedom of the Truth

I know we talked, I remember our conversation.
I was certain of our focus, our cerebral participation.

The truths we discussed didn’t vanish when the silence began.
But rather they need to be with us, always at hand.

So, day by day, it’s our job to manage our mental inventory.
Our own internal check and balance for each spoken story.

The words we speak, the actions we take, are the story we tell.
When we’re not in control of the mind we have, others remember well.

While the effect we have, the people we touch, doesn’t resonate,
Completely with us until often times its much too late.

“The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.”
The quote is great, I used it, but Winston Churchill, it’s his.

Some truth, only God and we could ever know, it’s on me and you.
To make sure that our thoughts and our actions are true.

As we take our daily count of the truths we think, and the ones we say.
It’s so important to be accountable and not let even one get away.

Churchill also said, “A lie gets half way around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Which is why I’m writing this, once the words are spoken, they’re gone.

We get one chance to speak the truth whether others hear it or not.
And if they do hear then our story’s been told, now subject to their thought.

Who knew that the words could travel so fast, and find so many ears?
A story coming to me from you, told by someone I’ve known for years.

The story repeated to me is not the truth, but the thought leading to the words,
Passed through your filters and were spoken aloud, totally absurd.

You know the truth, I know the truth, yet others feel your impact.
To them the words are the truth, but the lies, you can’t take back.

Like the weeds we manage in the garden, they come from a seed.
Lies too, start small as a seed of truth, a missed chance to be freed.

Apologies for the story you spread are in order, there’s no doubt.
A chance for the you that you want, to tell all what you’re about.

Until our thoughts and actions add up equally to the truth we know,
Then troubles will haunt us and follow us everywhere we go.

Clean the slate, come clean, set ourselves free, each and every day.
Then bend a knee, bow our heads, square up with God; Pray.

The freedom of the truth, all the time, every time, it’s a treat.
Get it right just one time, and then do all we can do to repeat.

I should know as I have been down this road a time or two, maybe more.
The freedom of the truth is so much better, of this, you can be sure.

Tribute to Tyler Walsh

I was in the car, driving alone, down my driveway when I received a text message from a long time friend of mine asking if I knew Tyler Walsh. I have coached baseball for many years and he knew that I did know Justin Walsh. As soon as I read that message I got the, all too familiar, chill I get when I learn of someone I know, even indirectly, who has passed away. I answered before I ever left the yard, that I didn’t know him. I had seen the story on the news and hoped for some reason that these two things weren’t related. As it turned out, they were one and the same. I sat at the end of the driveway for a moment. I was facing west and I looked up toward the falling sun and muttered a prayer half aloud for the Walsh family and friends before I continued on to my destination.

My destination that late afternoon was to pick up my son. My 19-year-old son. It hit me like a gust of wind that challenges your strength and aim just to keep the car on the road. What if that was my 19-year-old son who was the young man in the story? I didn’t even want to think about it. I literally shook my head for a moment, as if to rid myself of the thought. Unable to shake the thought, my mind turned towards the thoughts and words I have shared with others facing similar situations in the past. I turned towards God. When I am weak, or at a total loss, I usually look in the direction of God. Thankfully, He’s always there. Some calm restored, I thought on the words I have written here. These have been written for others in the past, but are always written again with someone specifically in mind. Here are those words as I have written them for this time and place.

There’s a plan for all of this. God’s plan. Two words, that make many want to turn and run the other way, God’s plan, because it usually means something that us imperfect humans don’t understand, or something we don’t want to deal with. Whatever the reaction is, it doesn’t change the plan. When I was younger I fought the plan, I am sure I did. I also didn’t always understand how or why things so terrible could happen to people as part of God’s plan. I am certainly not going to pretend to know or understand all these things now either. I do know that almost always, we are a part of a plan that is much bigger than it appears on the surface.

Just look at the other day. Everyone was enjoying the incredible March weather. It was a topic of discussion everywhere in this area it seemed. At the same time a young man was taken from us by an accident that would have ended so much differently if it happened a thousand more times. Meanwhile, friends, former teachers, family, and others were carrying on in their daily lives. Then with one bit of news, somehow hundreds, maybe thousands, of people are linked together by one story. The words that describe the young man. The thoughts that pierce reality. The news that shatters tranquility here on earth is the call to action that was maybe necessary to reach the people who have been absent from the plan. The effects that ripple through the conscious thoughts of all who knew him. The outpouring of kindness, support, love, and concern. It’s all part of the plan. God’s plan.

Time will tell how the plan unfolds. Even though it’s God’s plan, we are to be present and participating in His plan. I am in no way trying to down play any of this; this is a serious matter. There’s a message in most everything and I am willing to bet, the warm memories, the courage we know he possessed to turn his life around, and his way about life are part of the message here as well. Think of the things you have heard, the things you have read, the things you have seen yourself, the life you may have been a part of first hand, all those things are a message of Tyler’s life. Often times through the most unthinkable loss or sacrifice comes the greatest gift or the most amazing victory.

Please don’t think that this is over when the news stops running or the stories stop circulating. You and I may be a part of the plan. Anyone of us could be instrumental. Our words, our actions, just might be the right thing at the right time for the one who needs that spoken word or the example they were looking for. Really it’s always supposed to be that way. We are human, and our best moments aren’t all of our moments. Yet the more we think our moments are our best, the more they will be. And the moment we decide that we need to be our best might just be the moment that God’s plan includes us to be the message for someone needing to see that something that helps them cope and overcome.

My thoughts and prayers are with Tyler’s family, friends, and loved ones. It’s a tough time for them all. Stand a little stronger, a little closer, and listen a little better, because they may need you. Now. Have faith, know, and trust that it’s God’s plan.

No action

Have you ever been so worked up, so stressed out, that you just felt you had to run? Run in any direction at all. I don’t care where I end up because I can’t see it from where I am anyways. So you run. The wheels turn. The mind starts spinning at blurring speed. Thoughts turn over in your mind almost faster than you can process them. So you run. But you have no idea where you are going or even where you want to be once the run is done. In the meantime, as your mind, or even your legs, actually lead you further from the place you decided to run from, your mind slows its pace. Thoughts come easier. Thoughts come more clearly. Then the thought you wished wouldn’t show up; shows up on center stage, spotlight glaring, heat appears from nowhere like there’s a crowd in your mind, watching and waiting for your reaction to this single thought. The showstopper. What are you doing? As if you didn’t hear yourself, your mind, with a little hint of your own sarcasm retorts again. Seriously, What are you doing?

The reason it’s the showstopper is because you already knew the answer. You already knew that question, like the unwanted competition you have no answer for, at anything competitive, was gonna rear its ugly head and stop you in your tracks. Which, is the point of this piece, stop you in your tracks. As you fumble over your internal words on that mental stage with the glaring spotlight zeroed in on you as if your thoughts themselves were visible to the audience you put there yourself, you realize that running, taking action at all, was not necessary. You respond, drenched in shame, a human response which is completely unnecessary, but more importantly, you admit that you don’t know what you are doing. Fine. That happens to all of us. No action would have been far more effective. Sometimes when you feel totally stressed out, or that you are in a position you don’t feel like you can (or want) to deal with, you speed things up and your mind, in its rapid fire format you brought upon yourself, you think you must take action. And many times that means run from the situation. When in fact, you could have stayed put, let the action come to you, thought on your next step and direction, and been so much better off as a result. There are times when no action is the action best suited for the moment you’re faced with.