To Lay Me Down

Some days go by and my thoughts race and erase with the pace of fleeting time. Then there are days like today when I see things that are no longer in front of my eyes.

The Standard is Falling, but He Answered His Calling

I know I’m not the first, nor the last, to have a parent in a nursing home. Still, it’s a first for me. Dad is in a nursing home. Since the surgical procedure to insert a shunt back in December, Dad has been home for just a fraction of time.

There are a litany of health reasons why he is where he is. I share this because it has been tearing me up. Seeing him as he is has been tough. I want to reach out and hold him up, to give him all of my strength.

Tears stream down my face night after night. Why? Because it’s my Dad. It’s him sitting there. It’s the guy I couldn’t stand to be away from as a boy. Maybe I could walk, but still he’d carry me, because I was his boy, he could, and there was the love that parents know. He was the face I waited to see at the end of the day. The one who spoke and I listened like all other voices were a mere suggestion of sound. The punchline to the jokes that we still tell. The laughter to the soundtrack of life that we all live. Now, words are scarce.

It is him, and he sits there. I sit close. He knows I am there. I know it even if it’s not always so apparent. We visit if you call it that. I come and I go. He stays there. He weeps with dignity, wanting just to be home. He cries when I leave. I cry after I leave, and into the darkness of night. And in an emotional outburst I am currently trying unsuccessfully to self-contain, I write.

I count the time between motion and the command given

Age lets me question this, disability? or simply not driven?

 

I don’t think it hurts, but I see pain in those baby blues

Fumbling for the things that we don’t even remember to use

 

Why is it, we learn so late to appreciate these small things?

Maybe we need to remember the joy that the details bring

 

Health has failed a little more each time it has come calling

Strides get lost because, the standard, it’s always falling

 

I know where it ends, but where on the path are we?

Better to pray, to trust, I have not the mind to foresee

 

Time is, time goes, we sit quietly, trapped between our ears

What do you say when the only weight is in yesteryears?

 

Maybe tomorrow, it’ll be better that day, just because

Even so, I hide a sigh, it’s never better, better than it was

 

My mind can’t help looking past those eyes into the mirror

What’s to come gets closer but the view isn’t any clearer

 

Looking for the simplest signs, you need not walk a mile

Just turn up the corners, I know where to find that smile

 

God knew, delivering precision from an imperfect brain

Many a sermon, and the vision to preach words ordained

 

The words are locked away now, but their message lives

Cohesion is gone, but we know them by the clues he gives

 

It’s all there, gravity just fails to hold all of it in place

At times I see the freedom by what’s missing in his face

 

No matter the pain; in him, there is breath, there is life

I am just the boy, taking cues from my mom, his wife

 

My eyes close and there they are, not so far away

My lips don’t move but with all my might, I pray

 

Advertisement

Lost in place

I waded through the layers that separated the you from me
I peered into the depths of darkness in the place of we

I gave benefits despite the doubt, everything was all I tried
It was the answer missing that dropped me to the floor, I cried

Pains ran in every direction from my heart, it hurt in every limb
How was it that the known wasn't a better choice than the him

The surface is calm but I read between the lines on your face
Without leaving, I have somehow still managed to lose my place

But where is it I will go, for this I chose, and it's all I know
Do I let you hide in plain sight, while I weep in the places I go

I fear that which was lost, together, we could never find again
So I steal away to the silence and serene to contemplate our end

Is it possible to reach the point where all is gone but goodbye
Without the answers to the questions that all begin with why

Poem from It’s Quiet Now

I was thinking about my kids this evening while looking through the 100+ blog posts I have written. I came across this poem I wrote as part of the post, “It’s Quiet Now”, from October. So I thought I’d post it on its own. It still brings tears to my eyes as I’m reminded that time keeps flowing
Iike a river…hey maybe that should be a song. Anyway, enjoy. I love our kids.

It’s quiet now, except for the gently, falling autumn rain
But the tears on my face expose my feeling of pain

The twins are down for the count, sleeping so serene
Two kids off at college, with two more in SAU 19

I try to hide deep in the sound of music on my headphones
Looking at pictures; reading, sniffling, and crying at my own poems

I tell myself to feel the feeling when it’s present, don’t push it away
Enjoy the reasons why this feeling will come again another day

The kids are all growing, way too fast as far as I’m concerned
Not fast enough for them, a lesson yet to be learned

Erin, my beautiful daughter, will be off to college soon enough
Another moving day on the horizon, good-bye will again be tough

Hundreds of photos, thousands of words, about my kids, the rhythm of rhyme
Fills my head, while I relish the quiet, but can’t wait for our next time

I hope in this time their thoughts are on things other than me
It’s important they be present, engaged in life, as it should be

Oddly enough there’s nothing planned at all for later this evening
A rare occurrence in this day and age of unrest and constant moving

But if the kids had something on their plate tonight, that’s the place
I would rather be, with my wife, and a smile on my face

I could count the days until we’re all together again, but its torture
When I think of how few the chances will be in a grown up’s future

So, while my heart is still pumping, and my eyes see the morning sun
I will be a driving force to make sure there’s time for everyone

Family first, the words hang in the kitchen on the refrigerator
Be present now, so there will be too many memories to reminisce on later

That’s all for now I guess, with a smile on my face, because what I did,
Really, I reminded myself that I have six absolutely amazing kids