Tag Archives: inner battle

Honestly Living

As I have mentioned before, I have come across a TV show that I just can’t get enough of. I have found, and thoroughly enjoy, The Last Alaskans. One review I read on this show used a word to describe this show, that I would also use, intoxicating. Completely intoxicating.

The show is now in its’ second season and I can still honestly say, I can sit down and feel myself relax when I hear the opening music to the show, Heimo Korth narrates the opening behind the pictures, and I wait to see what these characters will reveal this week. The blend of music, amazing scenes, the reverence of the participants to their way of life, the hard work seen, and unseen, the stories, their histories, it’s so real. There is no flash. There is real life. It’s so compelling.  Continue reading

In Plain Sight

I probably watch more TV than I would admit to. Primarily I watch my beloved Red Sox, and then shows on history, wildlife, survival, and a few DIY types now and again. Recently, as I have written here, I have found, and thoroughly enjoy, The Last Alaskans. One review I read on this show used a word to describe this show, that I would also use, intoxicating.

My schedule keeps me quite busy and I don’t always find myself settled in front of the TV on Sunday nights. Thankfully I can record the show and watch it when my schedule allows. Honestly, I can sit down and feel myself relax when I hear the opening music to the show, and I wait to see what these characters will reveal this week. Continue reading

It Was Me, I Lost God

Have you ever found yourself looking around in the darkness of your somehow closed mind, and wondered how in the world you arrived at this place? If you were to trace your steps, reflecting on every detail that you pondered in the making of choices you made, did you find that first wrong turn? No? Then you’re not being completely honest with yourself. Own up; look in the mirror; search your soul, and tell yourself the truth, even if it hurts. Do not justify the unjustifiable (“not able to be shown to be right or reasonable”). Wrong is wrong, deal with it. Take your time, as nothing in the rest of your life might be so important as it is to get this right. Seriously.

…How I ever held myself together through this time was a feat in itself. And I know it was God that pushed me, it was God that helped me keep it together, for it was God’s truths I was at war with. My character, my upbringing, the things I knew in my gut were right, the countless places I could have corrected my direction, these were the things I fought during this time. As if I were lost in the deepest, darkest forest while knowing a couple of difficult, pride relinquishing steps were all it would take to get back on track, and instead I talk myself into believing this isn’t so bad. I mean how lost can one get anyways? You have to get pretty lost to lose God. Thankfully the little voice in my conscience that represented God never went completely away. I tried to silence the voice over years of time, but fortunately God’s plan was more powerful than anything I could muster…

The rest of the story.

Lesser Pain

Sometimes I wonder what it is you see
Because you’re not all that different from me
 
My eyes open too, I look upon this world
But I cannot say I know this direction hurled
 
A light I used to see, and could only share
Now only blinks from a place near despair
 
Love. There’s plenty here, even more
But your hands won’t rap on this door
 
Life’s too short, is what they all say
Too long, when you question each day
 
Looking inward I wonder yet again
If it’s yours or mine, the lesser pain
 
Sleep, or don’t, the answer’s not consumed
You know that, I need not presume
 
Maybe a day’s hard work would do
Look in the mirror, is it within you?
 
Care, I do, believe always and forever
Choices pull and push, there’s no never
 
I know enough to know that I’ve lost
The answers I mull carry such cost
 
It’s neither a game nor a contest
Yet time runs out, wish the best
 
Doors left open, yet left behind
Not yet closed they’re just hard to find
 
I don’t know what you desire
Do you know to what you aspire?
 
Not necessary now, progress at least
Push yourself from your will’s increase
 
We’re not all the same, that’s the thing
So many words carry a not needed sting
 
Focus, to your heart what does joy bring?
Helping another? The freedom to sing?
 
It’s not all bad, only the frame we spin
Break it down, and let yourself in
 
This hole in my heart, belongs to you
But I can’t make one do what they won’t do
 
The ball’s in a court that I cannot access
So, I ponder and pray, but will not regress
 
Run forward, and leave for always, this rut
You know the way better than you thought
 
I love you my dear, you’re with me still
You, and yourself, should address your will
 
Enough said, perhaps too many thoughts
There’s a place though, always, your spot
 

So, after sitting down and spilling these thoughts all over the pages on which I wrote, of course, I thought some more. I read this back to myself while I thought, and I decided that I am entirely unsure with the quality of this piece. On the other hand, I am certain that these thoughts rushed away like a torrent from the space closing between my heart and my brain. Then, for some reason, I thought of an old song that I probably shouldn’t even know. Somehow these words fit too; To me anyways.

I'm looking for a girl who has no face
She has no name, or number
And so I search within his lonely place
Knowing that I won't find her
Well, I can't stop this feeling deep in inside me
Ruling my mind

I feel no sound
Don't know where I'm bound 
The scenery is all the same to me
Nothing has changed or faded
I'm a part of it, some part of me
Painted cool green, and shaded
So, try to find myself must be the only way
To feel free

~ Steve Winwood, Jim Capaldi