I am not sure where to begin. I started here because this is where the top of my page begins. But maybe, I should start from the bottom because some things feel like they’ve just recently been turned upside down.
My heart feels like a lead ball that falls endlessly through the shoddy frame trying to keep it in place. And my mind, my mind aches, but more like a dull pain. A pain, that you can’t really find the source of, and though it seems benign, it still lingers.
Last night I lay in bed waiting for the scan of my personal internal memory drive to stop scanning. Hours later, I think I finally fell asleep while my brain was still playing the memories from the last 15 years. See, I was checking my own recorded history, and trying to gauge the authenticity of the interactions with certain people, that I was pretty sure I already knew the answers to. I lived those interactions once already, and I knew them to be genuine, to be true.
See, news had broken, and all that I knew seemed as though I suddenly needed to question it. So, I did. My findings weren’t wrong then, nor are they now. But I only have the one perspective, maybe slightly expanded, but that’s all I can speak for. Many folks would probably recognize me as slow, uneducated, not likely the brightest bulb, and they wouldn’t be wrong. Even so, I am not one to jump at news, or over react to the new information. News, on the one hand means, broadcast or publish reports of events. Then, on the other hand, it means, information that was previously not known. Anyone can broadcast just about anything, and too many times, we see a flood of information on a subject, most of which is irrelevant. So I take news with a grain of salt. Then again, information that I didn’t previously know, doesn’t change that which I already knew, it just means I didn’t know everything. Again, I patiently welcome the opportunity to take the new information so that I may personally confirm, deny, or wait until there are more facts to coax either outcome.
I think that we all can agree that what we see isn’t always the total picture, as depth defines us further. The water often looks so peaceful on the surface, but down below, currents push and pull, and wreak havoc on the barriers that try to contain them. So too does the dark streak that we all have, tucked away in the depths of our being. A line of thought that we give light to at times in the moments when we get the best of ourselves. I would say that the majority of the time we keep that dark streak at bay, inflicting minimal damage, if any at all. And in doing so, that dark voice gets less and less airtime, and is often times just rendered useless by the checks and balances that we all should possess. Now and then though, there comes a wave, unchecked, and knowing no fear or inhibition, it bashes through barriers, overstepping all bounds, and causes irrevocable damage or pain. And so our lives go, often times held back by the weakest links found in each of us.
Also in the category of recent news to hit this community, I switch gears completely. This is just my own observation and recollection from a more distant point of view.
There was a young lady whose smile seemed it was wedged tween the pain.
She stood outside welcoming all, be it in the wind, the sun, or pouring rain.
Her eyes told a story that left her vulnerable to the things coming her way.
But her words were soft and she searched for all the right things to say.
She would bend low to better hear those little voices so honest and true.
And she possessed a quality to be impacted just as much as she would do.
I didn’t know her any better than that, but there’s a hole where she stood.
Now there’s a feeling like something evil has taken something that was good.