As the winter wears on and time passes without my two oldest boys around, I think about them, and I miss them. I think back to times we have spent together. I also think back and re-visit some of the … Continue reading
As the winter wears on and time passes without my two oldest boys around, I think about them, and I miss them. I think back to times we have spent together. I also think back and re-visit some of the times we had the chance to say good-bye.
This is a little note I wrote in September 2010. This was my first moving day. Moving my oldest son into his dorm at Dartmouth for his freshman year. Sue and I loaded our cars and set off to move Steve in. This is the original note from start to finish.
Sue and I took Steve to Dartmouth yesterday. It was a great day and we had a wonderful time. Honestly I was so happy to see Steve’s face and the happiness in his eyes right from the moment we pulled up to his new home on campus. We drove up in 2 cars as to fit all of Steve’s things in one trip. Steve rode with me. I was doing pretty well with all this until this afternoon. I think it went something like this.
We pulled onto East Dunbarton Road like hundreds of rides we’d taken and more,
we laughed and talked on the way, like so many rides before.
The miles flew by and time passed quickly, in no time we were pulling off the highway.
Suddenly I wanted time to stop. I wasn’t ready for moving day.
As we pulled to the front of the dorm, we were greeted with smiles and direction.
Steve’s eyes lit up like this school he chose was a fit of perfection.
The move in was easy, so well thought out, it took no time at all.
Next thing I knew we were walking to lunch at the nearby dining hall.
We ate, we talked, we laughed some more, then headed to the arena for the President’s greeting.
As I sat there listening, I tried not to notice my time with Steve was fleeting.
Next, it was off to the field house for the information expo, the last event on the list.
We checked it all out and took a look around to make sure nothing was missed.
We talked a lot as we walked across campus to the closest school store.
We spent some time shopping but I wasn’t ready for what awaited outside that door.
We walked outside together and started for the cars while Steve headed to his new place.
He had events to attend so it was time to leave, the moment I wanted not to face.
We waited at the curb for our son, our boy now a young man, to come say good-bye.
As I hugged him, we spoke, I could see how pleased he was and as I nervously laughed, I wanted to cry.
As I got in the car the joy in his eyes was obvious as he welcomed this new element.
He’s not all grown up yet, but he’s getting close and I am feeling it all, a Dartmouth Parent.
Steve I know you will be awesome and will truly have the time of your life. I am proud of you and love you very much. Don’t change. You are wonderful young man. Love, Dad
This hit me tonight. I had to write this now. I have touched on these thoughts, these feelings, these places, this journey I share below, in posts I have written from time to time. This is maybe a deeper dive into that misdirected wandering than some would care to see. Maybe this is garbage you’ve already read, or a bunch of words that are of no interest to you. Or maybe it’s a beacon signalling to you that it’s time to change the path you are on. Whatever it is; it’s very real to me. I shiver when I let myself delve into this memory. I know there’s more I need to admit to myself and to my God, and I will get there. It may be painful at times, but I am not afraid to face the gut wrenching, heart pounding, mind-boggling, truths I have buried somewhere inside me. See, I traded my imperfect mind for the Lord God Almighty Himself as the map for my journey. So here it is. I expose this reality from my own past as a healing of sorts for me, a lesson I never want to forget, and maybe, just maybe, as a place for someone reading this to jump their own personal track and upgrade their destination.
Silence is golden when every noise inflicts a familiar, gnawing pain.
Where can I run, maybe hide, or escape this state controlling my brain?
I could shout, elevate my voice above the source, this persistent hum.
But like the boy who cried wolf, my peace would never come.
So I sit and stew, just as the finest wines age in settings set by strangers.
Bottled at times it seems, holding it in presents its own set of dangers.
So many things are better kept inside, and left unsaid.
Even if the words pound like a thunderstorm inside my head.
Then again, it has been said, the truth will set you free.
Why is it that knowing so, I still would a million places rather be?
Every night passes the same way. Sleepless, standing alone, a fake.
Unknowingly I race across the placid disturbing all in my wake.
Run? Where? I have run for miles and just as many years.
I am certain now. You can never outrun the space between your ears.
How is it I am in this place? I have run myself ragged to be someone like me.
Lack of sight maybe, I really couldn’t see the forest because of all the trees.
But, clearly, I know all the answers. This self that is now. Why ask?
Paralyzed completely, indecision accompanies even the simplest task.
I can’t breathe. The weight is too great for my supposed strong chest.
So here I lay, eyes closed, white noise covers the hum, still distant, much desired rest.
Parts of my life are enhanced, even amazing, this level of performance, a rush.
A sham really, for these things amount to nothing, if even that much.
Am I crazy? I know at some point this journey has to end.
It was kick-started by an eye-to-eye wake up call from a close friend.
The travel from wherever I was, proved longer and harder than I thought.
My own fault. It was me that had taken me to that forsaken spot.
I had to get my head right, which was unavoidably attached to my heart.
When you think your head’s just fine, it’s past the time you stopped being smart.
Ignorance, not a word anyone wants attached to their name.
But it’s all that’s left until you stop, kneel, and give up the game.
I was completely lost, a scribbled mess of a facsimile resembling a man;
But by God’s grace, I was spared, after doing everything to avoid His plan.
Love, kindness, prayer, and consistency were a few tickets needed to continue.
It’s not fun rebounding from a self-guided tour to discover everything in you.
Realizing, as I once had, the journey never really ends if you take the right path.
The times I missed, the joys I lost, only can be measured using God’s math.
Comfort comes easily now; with a prayer and a glance to the blue sky.
Or even by seeing myself in the reflection of my children’s eyes.
I pray Lord that your will be done, and that blessings for my family not cease.
I bow before you, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.